Be the You that I want You to Be!

When they say be yourself, a lot of the times what they really mean is "Be the You that I want You to Be."

I've been thinking a lot the past few months about what it means to be true to yourself. I remember through all of my school years being completely content with who I was. People may not have seen me that way because I was constantly changing my appearance, my hobbies, my crushes. But it wouldn't have mattered to me, because I knew who I was. I was a girl who Loved Life. Already at a young age I knew life was something to be embraced, not dealt with. I knew people were meant to be loved, not hated. I was never concerned with what people thought of me.

In middle school I had a good solid month where I dressed like a boy. I wore baggy boxers that hung out of my baggy jeans, and I wore shoes out of the boys department of Payless Shoes. After that phase died out, I got into a bit of a Gwen Stefani phase. I wore red lipstick, and put my hair in little buns all over my head. Throughout all of high school I dressed like a punk rocker. I had different color hair every month, wore Home Depot chains as necklaces, and went to bed at night in the clothes I would wear to school the next day (hey that's 5 extra minutes every morning for sleep). Alright, maybe I was a little clueless, but I was happy. I never had any doubt about Who I Was.

I specifically remember in 2003 changing my entire look, my personality, and my views on life. I started to become this new girl that fit in, and got the boys. It felt great... for awhile, until I started to lose Me. It's been 10 years since then, and I can honestly say I have done a lot of soul searching since then. I really feel like I'm finally finding me again.

Last night I went for a hike with my friend Matt. He has known me since our Sophomore year of high school, and has seen plenty of these 'phases' and 'transformations' I have gone through. Him and I are very much alike in our love for life, our absolute go get em attitudes, and our want to be free from all that society expects us to be. So when we started discussing life and what we want out of it, he was able to remind me and bring to light a lot of facts that I had either lost sight of or never realized in the first place.

People will tell me I have to too many hobbies, and I need to 'Find my Passion". Well I found my passion, it's exploring new hobbies.

People will tell me my dreams are too big. In the words of Tom Hardy.....

 

People will tell me I have a problem!! If my problem is that I love making friends, having fun, and falling in love.... I consider that a rather good problem to have.

People will tell me I am too nice, and I need to stop being such a pushover.... Spot on. I am too nice, and I let too many people walk all over me "out of love".

I grew up in Salt Lake City, UT. A Beautiful place with beautiful people. But a lot of people here judge harshly those who are not like them. People who are so set in their minds of what a family should be like, which friendships are acceptable, how someone should dress and act, and how someone should love. If I'm being completely honest, it drives me crazy. Like completely (in the words of Jennifer Lawrence) a word I shouldn't say that starts with 'F' kinda crazy. Society will Always expect me to be something that they can understand.

So I've come to the conclusion that I need to stop listening to what everyone around me says my life should be like. I need to stop trying to please everyone. Especially people who don't have my best intent at heart. My best friend Ashley told me once that when someone is trying to give advice or speak on your current situations, you should look at three things - 1. Their intent 2. Their Knowledge 3. Their judgement.

I believe in following my instincts. I don't always listen to them the way I should, but whenever I have, I haven't been led astray. One thing that comes with listening to your instinct is figuring out if someones Intent is truly coming from a place of love. If it's not, then toss it out. If someone doesn't have Knowledge about your life or situation, then toss it out. If someone is Judging you because they don't understand your situation, tell them thanks a shit load for pretending you know what I'm going through, and then toss it.

I believe firmly on not judging someone for the choices they make. I may not always agree with them, but until I am put in their exact same position, how the hell am I supposed to know just how their situation is affecting them. I'm not saying I'm a saint and I never judge. We all do! And sometimes the people who judge us the most harshly are the ones that love us the most. I'm also not saying that you should toss those people aside, I'm just saying take the bits of truth (if there is any) and get rid of the rest.

I am Happy with me! And it no longer matters if you are happy with me, or if you think I'm living the life you think I should be living. I am Happy! And you should be to.

I Remember You

May 10th, 1997. 16 years ago today. The worst day of my life. I remember every detail of the day so vividly. I remember getting to Grandmas house, and setting up for the yard sale. I remember Aunt Christie giving me a Backstreet Boys cassette tape. I remember holding your little hands as I walked you and Rachel down to the bridge to look at the creek. You were both just barely 2 years old. I remember standing on the bridge as we watched the water speeding past. Spring run off had made that creek a sinister rush of water.  I remember taking the little dirt path that winds through the trees back up to the house. I remember leaving you in the living room to play with toys. I remember walking outside to join in the yard sale.

I remember Christie screaming "Where's Hagan". But I'd just left you. You and Rachel were in the living room playing with toys. But you weren't. You'd gotten out of the house. I'm still not sure how. I remember panic. Fear. Everyone running around screaming out your name. Christie who was 3 months pregnant getting into the creek to look for you. I remember being confused. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to help. I remember the phone calls. One to your parents who I believe were at work. The other to the police. I remember Guilt.

I remember walking across the street to the church. Sitting on the lawn. Crying. Praying. Waiting. Crying. This was more than my 13 year old mind and heart could comprehend. I don't know how much time passed while I sat on that lawn. I heard the loud whir of helicopter blades spinning just a half a block away. I looked up from my hands to see the helicopter lift off the ground, then it was gone. I remember Hope.

I remember watching the news that night. Seeing my family in tears as they talked about the horrible events of the day. Seeing a picture of your beautiful little face as they talked about a boy. A sweet little boy who fell in the creek. About you. I remember my friends coming over to watch, trying to comfort me as I cried.

I remember seeing you for the first time after the accident. I remember heartbreak. Seeing all those tubes. I remember months of sorrow and realization. Realization that you would never walk again, or talk again. That you would never run again.

I remember when that light came back into your eyes. You'd gone away for awhile, but you were back. You couldn't talk to us to tell us about what you'd seen while you were away, but we knew. God had kept you here for a reason. I remember family and friends joining together in support. I remember Love.

I remember that smile.

August 19th 2005. I remember the morning my mom called to tell me you had left us. I cried, but I felt peace. You were where you were supposed to be. You'd been strong for 8 years. It was time for you to run again.

I remember you.

Run, Hagan, Run

No Other Way

Went for a morning run at Liberty Park today, 4.2 miles and rather proud thank you very much!! My third time around the park my legs were aching pretty terribly, but the sun had just started peeking through the clouds, Macklemore in my ears, the breeze was blowing on my face, and it just felt peaceful. Yes it is possible to feel peace even while listening to Macklemore. I've decided I really love running. Weird! Never thought I'd say that. But that's not the point of todays post.

When I got home from my run, I turned the music on my phone to party shuffle, started to get into the shower and No Other Way by Jack Johnson started playing. My only thought was 'yes great song'. After it ended a couple Maroon Five songs and a Bob Marley song played, then No Other Way came back on. I thought it was a little odd because I can't remember my phone replaying a song until it's gotten through all the other songs. When I got to work I turned on Grooveshark. It always shows me a list of songs 'based on my latest music preferences', and of course the first song on the list was.... No Other Way. So now I'm starting to think it's a little odd that it's come up 3 separate times this early into my day.

I tend to believe in fate, in things happening for a reason, etc. I guess most people go one way or the other. Either we believe in coincidences or we don't. But I tend to stick in the gray in most aspects of my life, and this is one of them. I'm not sure if this is a coincidence that I'm just thinking about too much or if I'm supposed to be hearing something. I can't figure out what, if anything, I'm supposed to be taking away from this song.

I wish I had someone who could dig into my head and my current life situations and tell me what this song is supposed to mean. They have dream books, maybe someone should invent a song lyric book. With every song ever written in it, now That would be one really large book. And in the book there will be lots of little tabs that explain every lyric to every song, and a little quiz to pin point exactly what's going on in your life, and once your done with the quiz it will tell you which tabs are going to unravel the mystery behind your life, and blah blah blah alright I'm rambling I'll shut up now.
Enjoy the song..... hopefully without the over obsessive thought process that I get from listening to it. :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ucGBLprfDBU

"No Other Way" by Jack Johnson

When your mind is a mess
So is mine
I cant sleep
Cause it hurts when I think
My thoughts aren't at peace
With the plans that we make
Chances we take
They're, not yours and not mine
There's waves that can break
All the words that we say
And the words that we mean
Words can fall short
Can't see the unseen
Cause the world is awake
For somebody's sake now, please close your eyes woman
Please get some sleep

And know that if I knew
All of the answers I would
Not hold them from you'd
Know all the things that I'd know
We told each other, there is no other way

Well too much silence can be misleading
You're drifting I can hear it in the way that your breathing
We don't really need to find reason
Cause out the same door that it came well its leaving its leaving
Leaving like a day that's done and part of a season
Resolve is just a concept that's as dead as the leaves
But at least we can sleep, its all that we need
When we wake we will find
Our minds will be free to go to sleep

And know that if I knew
All of the answers I would
Not hold them from you'd
Know all the things that I'd know
We told each other, there is no other way

Top 30 things I want to do before I am 30! (In no specific order)

I'm posting this solely for humors sake. I may be the only one that will find it funny, but I think it's important to look back on my past and laugh.... and hopefully see how far I've come since the day I wrote this list.

When I was 18 years old my friend Lindsay and I decided to make a list of the 30 things we most wanted to do before we turned 30. Well that year is coming up, so I decided it was time to pull out my list, and see what I've done, and what still needs to be done.
.................................................................................................................................................................

Okay, now that I've read over my list, I'm realizing posting this blog is going to be rather embarrassing to say the least. So here are a few reminders to you (whoever you are) before reading.
1. Sorry for like the really bad grammar, I like didn't realize how tacky it was to like put like before every other word.
2. I wrote this over 10 years ago. I like to think that I have grown in my maturity and understanding of life since making this list. Please don't judge too harshly.
3. I'm aware my explanations for each of my 'goals' are really cheesy, and somewhat naive. Hopefully you'll find them as amusing to read as I did.

In Blue I've added updates on each of my goals. In Green I've marked the completed goals. 

Top 30 things I want to do before I am 30!

(In no specific order) 

 

1> Shave my head! I have been wanting to do this since I was 13.  I've had my hair an inch long, and I currently have the side shave, but I've never done a full shave. There's still a big part of me that wants to, there probably always will be, but I just can't quite get myself to go through with actually shaving it.

 

 

2> Own my own motorcycle. I am in love with them. A lot of my friends have one because they saved up and I really want one. My ex husband and I owned a Yamaha R6. Now that I look back I think I actually only had 2 friends that owned motorcycles. Apparently I was exaggerating a bit.

 

3> Visit Florida Still on my list, but I guarantee I won't get there before 30.

4> Scuba dive. I've seen pictures of people going and I love the ocean so I think it would be great fun. Also still on my list.

 

5> Get in a fist fight. I saw fight club and I thought it would be fun to get in a fist fight after that. Then my friend punched me really hard on the should one day and it was a rush. Absurd much! Not just for the mere fact that I wanted to get punched, but because when I got punched on the shoulder I felt 'a rush'. Funny. So no, I don't want to get in a fist fight anymore. 
 

6> Perform in a concert hall. One of my biggest dreams in life is to be able to perform as a living. If I end up not being able to do that I'd like to at least perform once in a hall or stadium. I still think it would be fun to perform in a concert hall, but if I were to make a list now of things I want to do before I turn 40, this wouldn't be on it. 

 

7> Get married to a wonderful guy! I've always imagined the guy I would marry and all I ever wanted is someone who loves me as much as I love him and who no other guy compares to in my eyes. At 18 I'm sure I didn't think I'd be married twice before 30, but as this list has already proven life doesn't really go as planned. Thank God! Where's the fun in that. 

8> Go on a long hike. I've been on so many like 10 mile hikes and what not, but for once I want to go on an overnight hike, where we have to carry over night luggage and food. Since I now know the proper name for this kind of hike is backpacking, I will say, I would still really like to take up backpacking. Kind of upset that I haven't done so yet.

 

9> Learn to surf. I have wanted to surf for so long. 'So long' meaning 4 months?.... when I first saw Blue Crush. Would we count 4 months as 'so long' Still plan to cross this off my list someday.

10> Pet a leopard. Leopards are my favorite animals. Still on the list, but not my favorite animal anymore. Giraffes have been my favorite animal for 6 years now. Don't ask me why, I couldn't tell you. 

11> Be a well known interior designer. I am going into design and I would love to be well known around the states through it. Nice to know I had such high hopes for myself. Still a dream of mine, but more along the lines of Ty Pennington Extreme Home Makeover.

12> Hitch hike! Yeah...... Don't really want to get raped or murdered while trying to complete this goal so I'm just going to strike this one from the list all together. 

 

13> Be able to do a 360 while wake boarding. Don't really care to try this anymore. Although I do still love to wake board, even if the coolest 'trick' I can do is to go outside the wake.

 

14> Do more tricks on a diving board. It took three days straight to be able to do a back dive off a diving board. I want to be able to do flips, an aerial, and a gainer. Wow three days! Really! But in all honesty, I vividly remember the very present  fear as I was attempting to learn to back dive. (Thanks for being so patient with me Lindsay). I think maybe I can stop being such a pansy and attempt a flip or aerial again this year. Probably not going to attempt a gainer though.

15> Learn how to play the guitar. I love the bass so I would love to be able to play it, but any kind of guitar will work. And the banjo, and the drums, and the violin. I've got plenty of time to learn more instruments, but right now the piano is the only instrument I play well. 

16>  Be able to drive stick shift. Well that was easy

17> Have over a thousand dollars in my savings. I suck at saving money! Still suck at saving money. Just glad I'm able to have this one in the green.

18> Perform in a Shakespeare play. I love Shakespeare's work so I would love to be in one of his plays. Wait a minute, this shouldn't even be on the list. Shouldn't my 6th grade Julius Caesar play count?

 

19> Be a truck driver for a month. My best friend Lindsay and me want to drive commercial trucks all over the states for a month together, and wear those cute little trucker hats. Ummmmm..... I know I'm not the only one who had this dream once upon a time. And if I can defend myself here, those trucker hats really were a trend once upon a time. Just a few pictures to defend my case. :)

 

 

20> Gamble. Going to Vegas and not gambling is like going to Disneyland and not riding Splash Mountain.

 

21> Drive a boat. This was on my list of Top 30 things to do before I turn 30?

22> Help landscape something. I love outdoor landscaping it's beautiful (most the time) and I would love to help landscape my house. I really wish I knew what I was referring to when I added 'most the time'. Although I never did much landscape when I owned my house, I have helped in landscaping my parents yard.  

23> Learn about buddhism. And Hinduism, and Muslim, and Catholicism, etc. Would like to take a religion study at some point.

24> Be able to paint or sketch a live portrait. I have never gotten good at painting people in the flesh. I've always had to do my art from pictures. They always turn out good the way I do them, but I think they would be more personal if I did live paintings. Done.... I just didn't say it turned out well. My whole explanation here makes me laugh.

25> Go on a vacation by myself. I would love to be able to go on vacation alone one day maybe to a beach, and just lat out, read a book and shop. I think it would be so nice to get away. This one still needs to happen, preferably sooner rather than later.

26> Throw a huge party. I've thrown a lot of parties where like 100 people come but I want to throw one where like 500 people come. I still would really like to have like a really huge party that's like totally off the hook, and rad. Like seriously! ..... Wait I guess my wedding counts for that so I'm good. Plus I had a Flash mob at my wedding so I'm extra good. http://vimeo.com/36749634

 

 

27> Bungee jumping. I've wanted to do it for so long and haven't gotten to it.  And sky diving, and base jumping, and paragliding. Someday

28> Adopt a little black baby. They are the cutest, and it would be nice to have some diversity in my family. Wow! Really? They are the cutest, and it would be nice to have some diversity in my family? I'm just a little bit dumbfounded that this was my reasoning on wanting to adopt. I still feel called to adopt, whether it be locally or internationally, but my reasoning has changed quite a bit in the past 11 years. (We'll save that for another blog post)

29> Paragliding. My friend might be taking me soon because she is an instructor. She never took me paragliding. Boohoo for me. ;)

 

30> Get a big tattoo on my back. I already have one but it's small and I want something bigger. I love them! This one comes with a bit of a story. I got my first tattoo about a month before making this list. It's your typical cheesy, teen angst kind of tattoo, but at least I can say I didn't get a Chinese symbol or butterfly (just teasing Abbie and Jenna). I got it on my lower hip (just like all my friends), but I designed it myself (which I was pretty proud of). It's just my nickname - N@ but smooshed together. Yes I just said smooshed. I was still living at home when I got my tattoo, and when I made this list. My mom found this list and in turn found out about my tattoo. Whoops! I now have two other tattoos (one which is on my back but is in no way large), but do not plan or hope to ever get a 'big' tattoo on my back. 

 

I'm still deciding if I'm upset or proud that I've only accomplished 9 out of the 30 goals. Not sure, but I think it's time I make a new list. Maybe I'll even post the new one later.

AGAIN

Today I'm thinking about a quote, a short, a word, and a song. The quote is one I found on Pinterest. The short is a beautiful piece of work done by someone I love dearly. The word is Yuanfen. The song is 'Say Anything' by Tristan Prettyman.

Quote -

Short -   

AGAIN... Staring into darkness, as the last of the days emotion drift away into nothingness, an unknown thought rises unseen. It seems to not want to be recognized. It dances at your periphery, teasing and tantalizing. You wish sleep had waited a moment longer to take you. If you had one more moment you could have grabbed that thought and held onto it. Too late. You spiral into nothingness and welcome sleeps embrace. You are caressed with images... with smells... with color... with tastes.... with emotion... with Memories. Just as you seem to recognize one, you are bombarded with the next... You try to keep up... to cherish... But it seems like they flit by at an increased rate. The memories are no longer all pleasant... some hurt... some sting... but there is still good with the bad. It's both confusing and enlightening. The dream accelerates to the speed of thought... your vision narrows... you no longer recognize the memories as they are moving too quickly... A tunnel of color and emotion forms around you as you hurtle forward. A far off light begins to form and to grow. You are accelerating towards it and are no longer sure what the light holds... You seem to remember a vague thought right before drifting off to sleep... AGAIN... and you are sure the light has something to do with it. You are both curious and scared of the light. But the thought teases "the decision has been made" As the light grows around you, you feel transported and up lifted... The memories seem to drift... and suddenly with a painful flash of light you find yourself in a park looking into the sun. You shake your head slightly as if waking from a dream. You shut your eyes attempting to give them time to adjust to the bright summer day you find yourself in. The dream still tugs at your consciousness... But you can no longer decide if you were really sleeping... or even what happened. You open your eyes to find a scene... A scene from an old memory... But it's alive and real... and you are living it. Suddenly recognizing where you are you turn quickly to the spot where you know they'll be, and there they are - two blue eyes staring back into yours. Somehow the eyes are different... as if experience has changed them. An understanding passes between you and this person. As a smile fills their eyes you realize you are about to meet for the first time... AGAIN.

I've always believed that people come into our lives for a reason. These people may leave just a small mark, or they could have a much larger impact in our lives. I believe we will meet many people who we impact or who impact us, just as the quote states. But what I want to talk about right now is when you find a person that can completely turn your life upside down, And whom you can do the same to. I believe it is truly rare for two people to meet, and be able to make that kind of connection. I'm talking about a knock you off your feet kind of connection. I'm talking about finding that person who will be there through thick and thin for the rest of your life. I'm talking about Yuanfen. About the binding force between two people. The short is about that binding force. That force that brings you back together Again and Again and Again.    
Word -

I remember when I was a little girl I had a dream about this person. I remember waking from the dream and all I could remember was a pirate ship and a face (only a couple times in my life have I had dreams of things to come, and both dreams involved pirate ships.... don't ask me why). I had that same dream 3 separate times within a year or so of the first dream. Obviously when I was younger I had no clue that I would one day meet the person from my dream, but 10 years later, on a sunny day at the park, I knew it was the same face from my dream years before.

I'm incredibly grateful for that force, for that understanding, for that memory in the park. I'm grateful for the memories that stung, that hurt, and most importantly for the knowledge that through all the good and the bad, the ups and the downs I have a forever friend. I pray that every person can someday have their own version of Yuanfen. Grateful, extremely grateful!

Song - 

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BfRpWHkhFSg

Sometimes you just have to splurge!

I grew up in a home where we used Suave hair products, generic brand just about everything, and we reused mini m&m containers (perfect for bobbys and q-tips), sour cream tubs, etc. My mom has always been very frugal, and I applaud her for it. Her and my Grandma Jojo frequent the D.I. and are always able to find some seriously great treasures. If either of them ever say "guess where I got this", we all automatically know that it came from 'their store'. My Grandma Gigi is 93, and has a lot of memories and some seriously great advice from her young years during the depression. She has taught me to save, recycle, reuse, and keep out of debt. She doesn't waste anything, and she makes sure we don't waste it either. Now for those of you who may be thinking we were poor, it's absolutely not the case. I never needed anything more than my parents were able to provide me, and I lived a very comfortable life. My mom just knew how to live well on a dime, she's kind of awesome like that.

I had a few years there when I was first living on my own that I strayed away from this frugal frame of mind, and got into some serious debt because of it. My mom being the angel she is sat down with me and helped me figure out how I (not she) was going to pay off my Nordstroms, Victoria's Secret, American Eagle, Target, and Old Navy credit cards (there may have been a few more I'm forgetting). Let me just remind you real fast that this was close to 10 years ago, and I really have learned from my horrible mistakes. Moving on... Now that I've grown up, and seen the light; I've become a lot more like my mom when it comes to pinching my pennies. I buy Kroger, I have decent couponing skills, I shop at the DI (although not as well as mom and Grandma JoJo), and I squeeze every last ounce of lotion or toothpaste out of their bottles (just like Grandma Gigi taught me).

Anyways... getting to my original point of this whole post. Our finances have been tight the past year, so I have really cut back on some of the more expensive name brand products I like to 'splurge' on. But I just have to say, there are some things you just can't skimp on. Now if there are any men reading this post, I'm about to lose you here, but I just have to say - One of those things us women should not skimp on is foundation.

I started using Bare Minerals Foundation back in 2011, and was amazed at the difference it made in the way my face looked, and the way it felt during wear and after. It gave my face a beautiful flawless look without feeling like I was wearing a thick mask of crap, and clogging all my pores. My friend was working for a company that sales Bare Minerals products, and she was able to get me a steal of a deal on my makeup. Then last year money got tight, my friend got laid off of her job meaning no more sweet deals for me, and my Bare Minerals ran out. So I resorted to the unused foundations that were sitting in my makeup box, in the hopes of saving money. I quickly remembered there was a reason they were sitting unused, and decided it was time to go out and buy something new. I went to the grocery store and bought Loreal True Match. It was cheap, I needed cheap. I've been using it, mixed with a darker shade of Mary Kay foundation for going on 5 or more months now. I use both because I like to highlight and contour my face.... Every girl should do this! If you don't know how to do it, watch this awesome tutorial. She's one of my favorites, and has some seriously great tips! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yd9GCnHntcs 

I'm not sure if mixing the two different foundations is what was causing the problem, or if it was just the fact that I was using a cheap $7 powder foundation, but my face was not happy, and therefore I was not happy. I felt like I had to cake on the foundation to give me an overall smooth look. This turned into a snowball effect - more powder = more breakouts. But the more breakouts I had the more powder I wanted to use to cover up.

Finally two days ago I just had Enough! I went and bought some Bare Minerals Original Foundation for $27.00. I know it's pricey, but here's the deal; with how little I end up using each day (compared to how quickly I went through the Loreal) I end up saving money in the long run. For the past two days I've been using only Bare Escentuals, and already it's making the difference. I've been using their Youth Revealed before bed and in the morning, as well as the Mineral Veil, Foundation, and blushes.

So the moral of this post is....

This - http://www.beautyencounter.com/buy/l-oreal-true-match-super-blendable-compact-makeup-neutral-spf-17-sunscreen/071249136652/158526/2

Should never be used in place of

This -  http://www.bareescentuals.com/bareMinerals-SPF-15-Foundation/USMasterSPF15Found,default,pd.html

Sometimes it really is great to splurge! Most the time actually, but when it comes to skin care, don't cheap out. Your skin will thank you later :D

Worth So Much More

 Warning - Angry Douche-Hating Rant below followed by some hopefully decent advice. :)

I wonder where I'd be now if I'd never given you a second chance, or a third, or a fourth. Would I be a different person? Would I stop feeling so f#*%ed up so much of the time? I think back to who I was back then, compared to who I am now. I tried to hide those memories under a rug a long time ago, but now someone is there lifting up that rug and asking me to relive all those moments of my past that I never wanted to bring to the light again. Well they're back in the light, and I guess that means I should deal with them. But I also think I have some knowledge that I could share for those young girls who may someday be faced with a similar situation as mine.

I'm the kind of person who can find the best in anyone - Literally anyone - even the people that no one else can see an ounce of good in. I know it's there somewhere, and I know they've got to be going through something of their own to make them act out the way they do. I've always been that person who will give anyone a chance, because I feel like we all deserve that. But the problem comes from giving someone too many chances. That has been my problem for so many years, I gave these people so many chances to be better, to treat me better. I gave you so many chances. In the end, after about 6 chances (no joke), you finally treated me with a small ounce of respect. Honestly, I believe if I hadn't had years of you coming in and out of my life (and making me feel like crap every time) I would have been able to see more clearly. I would be able to see that even in the end you still didn't give me the respect I truly deserved. Sure you treated me better than you had years before, but it wasn't enough.

Ever heard anyone say "Girls like bad boys". It's a sad true fact in a lot of us girls. We fall for these bad boys and then wonder why we get hurt. There's nothing wrong with liking boys with tattoos, piercings, a bullet bike, or any of the other cliche 'bad boy' stereotypes. There is however something seriously wrong with liking boys who call us horrible names, make us do things against our will, and make us feel anything other than respected (the list can go on and on).

So below are a list of rules (based on past experiences of my own) that hopefully you young girls can learn from -

Rule #1 - If a guy calls you Any name that doesn't make you feel respected- Walk Away!! Don't give him another chance.

Rule #2 - If a guy Ever grabs your hand and makes you put it somewhere you don't want to put it - Deck him - HARD - preferably in the throat., and Don't give him another chance.

Rule #3 - If a guy pins you down, grabs your wrist to keep you from leaving, or does anything to make you feel trapped - You fight with every ounce you have in you because his intentions aren't good. And Definitely Don't give him another chance!!

Rule #4 - 

I know so many beautiful young girls who have let the world and men tell them they're not good enough. We start to believe these lies - We're not skinny enough - We're too skinny - We're not tan enough - We're too tan - We don't have perfect skin - We're not girly enough - We're too high maintenance - Our lips aren't pouty enough - We're too tall - We're too short - We're prudes - We're sluts - Our boobs aren't perky enough or big enough or whatever- The list goes on and on, and honestly it's just Too Much!!! 

I just want you girls to know - You are Beautiful!!! Don't let anyone tell you different. Just remember to be Your Own Beautiful, and not someone else' idea of beautiful! Remember that You are worth so much more than wasting every second of your life trying to live up to someone else' standards.

I just have to say before I finish, that I know plenty of men/boys who have been victim to the same things listed above. I hope you know you don't deserve that kind of abuse either - The golden rule really is the most simple, obvious rule for any person.

I am who I am today because of where I've been, and overall I'm happy with me! I'm happy with the woman I've grown into. But sometimes I think life may have been easier if I'd never let you treat me like an object. If I'd believed back then that I was worthy of so much more! I'm learning still to stand and speak up for myself. Although I still have a ways to go at least I know - I AM WORTH SO MUCH MORE!!!! And nothing anyone can do can take that away from me!